Promises
by frigginapplepie
Summary: Warning: Tear Jerker! Sirius finds the Potters' house in shambles and takes a trip down memory lane as he attempts to fix things, both in the house and himself. Takes place after Lily and James's death.


A/N: I do not own Harry Potter or the song, In Loving Memory by Alter Bridge.

This idea came to me while watching a music video for Harry Potter, and the seed of thought grew into this. As always, I have a dedication for this one. Only, unlike always, in the Christmas season, I bestow this gift upon my sister without blood bonds, Sarah. May the friendship we share last another ten years, and then some.

This font is the present. _This_ represents a flashback, and in one case, a letter, and **this** is song lyrics.

**Thanks for all you've done**

**I've missed you for so long**

**I can't believe you're gone**

**You still live in me**

**I feel you in the wind**

**You guide me constantly**

The piles of rubble were more then disturbing to the man that walked through them, kicking a piece of what must have been a chair here, nudging with his toes a piece of broken glass. It was ironic, twisted and sick even, that he could easily place the ruined bits of furniture where they belonged. He could lift up a piece of splintered wood and say, "Oh, this was the rocking chair that sat right next to the window in the nursery," or, "That's part of the crib, may even be the part that I hit my elbow on so often."

But it didn't matter what went where anymore, because there was no one to see it, to care for it, to keep it there. They were just bits of junk now, useless and trashed, like a whale on a beach.

And it was that fact that made him want to throw up, to double over where he stood and be sick. He wouldn't allow himself to do that, knowing that it was once the room that one Lily Potter loved so much, for it was the room of her beloved son.

His godson.

**I never knew what it was to be alone, no**

**'Cause you were always there for me**

**You were always there waiting**

He let his gaze fall upon the wreckage for a moment longer before swiftly moving his line of sight up to the ceiling, biting down on his lower lip, breathing in deeply and slowly.

This couldn't be happening, could it? In his nightmares, it was a frequent event, an occurrence that was almost expected, but this wasn't a dream. This was real, the truth. As horrible as it was, it was transpiring in a cruel reality that only appeared harsh and uncaring.

But what about all those years at school, where things couldn't have gotten better? Was this the same veracity that had held all of his memories of pranks and detentions and celebrations after beloved Quidditch games?

He looked around at the clutter once more, trying to force back a sudden urge to cry, fighting to keep the vomit from adding to the mess. He swallowed back the pain as he shoved his hands into the depth of his pockets, wondering what to do.

There was an unexpected impression in his mind that the room could not be left in such a mess. He removed his hands from their safety, bending reluctantly, almost robotically, at the waist to pick up a small stuffed teddy bear. The man frowned as a memory flowed into his mind. He tried to burry it with other thoughts, unwilling to face the appalling truth of the situation, but the reminiscence kept showing up again.

He gritted his teeth, allowing the images to show, playing in a film of laughter in a time of sorrow.

**Now I've come home**

**And I miss your face so**

**Smiling down on me**

**I close my eyes to see**

_"And she can't do this herself, because?" Sirius Black asked as he lifted a box of baby wipes off of a shelf. He looked at them for a moment, picked up another brand, comparing them, and, indifferently, threw both of them into a cart that his friend was pushing behind him._

_"She's off getting him a check-up, and you know that, Pads," James Potter replied as he took one of the boxes out of the cart and placed it back on the shelf. "Besides, we haven't had time to talk with each other without hearing Harry cry for ages. It's a good thing!"_

_"Oh, such a good thing!" Sirius cried with mock enthusiasm. "Who doesn't love being surrounded by…." He threw his arms up in the air, gesturing to the countless baby bottles, food, diapers, and other parenting items. "Surrounded by baby care products!" he finished._

_James let out a snicker as they moved on to the next aisle. "Oh, look here, Padfoot," he said, and reluctantly, the man came around the bend of the shelf to see what James had been talking of._

_A soft smile graced Sirius's lips as he looked down upon a shelf of stuffed animals, everything from pigs, to rabbits, to dogs, to bears. "How about you pick one out for Harry?" James asked, noticing the content look in the dark-haired man's eyes._

_Sirius's head snapped up and he tried to mask his face with a look of unresponsiveness. "Uh, why not," he replied, voice unconcerned. "Only if you insist. It'll give me something to do, I guess."_

_Sirius bent over the plush toys, grinning gently once again. James watched for a moment, then turned when he realized that Sirius's own gaze had caught his eyes. He set about picking out a set of bottles and matching bibs. A moment later, James heard the faint thump of something being set in the shopping cart. He turned to see Sirius, standing coolly near by, examining his nails as though he had been doing so since they arrived._

_James looked into the cart, and saw a small, bean filled stuffed bear, navy blue patch on the back of one ear._

_The messy-haired man looked up to see gray eyes studying him closely, as though expecting a sly comment. When no words came, he said, "I like it."_

**And I know**

**You're a part of me**

**I miss you song**

**It sets me free**

**I sing it while**

**I feel I can't hold on**

**I sing tonight,**

**'Cause it comforts me**

He ran a finger along the dark blue of the ear, no longer finding a reason to smile upon it. Instead, he felt betrayed by it. He didn't know why, but the feeling inside of him could have no other feeling.

He cast his head to the side, squeezing his hand around the waist of the bear, jaw set and clenched, heart aching and wrenching.

Standing unsteadily, he moved towards the remainder of the crib, placing the bear on the shredded pillow.

Clean the mess, he demanded of himself. When Lily and James come home…when they come home, they're going to wonder what happened to the place. I have to get the room clean.

He forced his body to the splintered chair, trying to stack the wood into a pile. The shaking of his hands made it difficult, but he continued his work mechanically. He then made his way to the mess of blankets, delicately folding them and moving to place them in the small cabinet that Lily always had filled with supplies.

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see that there was nothing inside. It was vacant, as though no one had ever used it before.

Again, the man forced himself to blink back tears, remaining silent, as though trying to keep others from finding out that he was in the house.

His fight became hard, though, when another recollection came to mind.

**I carry the things that remind me of you**

**In loving memory of**

**The one that was so true**

**You were as kind as you could be**

**And even though you're gone**

**You still mean the world to me**

_He straightened the front of his vest, making his way closer to the bride and groom. He paused once or twice, briefly greeting an old classmate, or a professor, but his aim remained true, and he made his way to his best friend and his new wife._

_The bride caught sight of him first, and turned to greet him. "Hey there, best man," Lily Potter said, moving to give him a hug. He smiled, returning the embrace._

_Sirius stepped back, holding Lily at arm's length. "Look at you two!" he said excitedly. "Finally married!" He smiled genuinely, wrapping his arm around Lily's shoulders. "I'm thrilled, for the both of you."_

_"Thanks, mate," James said, and then quietly, he added, "Can I have a word with you, privately?"_

_Sirius shot a quick glance at Lily, who had turned to speak with James's parents, then nodded at his friend, and they made their way across the large field where long, decorated tables were set up, off into a small wooded area._

_"What's up, James?" Sirius asked, a note of worry in his voice. "Did something happen?"_

_James shook his head. His face was stern, but it was serene, nonetheless. "Nothing's wrong, Pads," he said, then turned. A moment of silence passed, Sirius waiting anxiously, unsure whether James had finally gone insane or if he couldn't think of what to say, before the man in question said softly. "Lily, she wants to have a kid."_

_"Good for you two!" Sirius roared, letting out a sigh. "Thank god that's all; I thought that you killed someone or something."_

_"That's not what I wanted to tell you," James said, cutting him off. "Before you say anything else, let me finish." He turned back around, looking Sirius in the eye. "We…I wanted to know, if you would, that is, it would mean a lot to me, and Lily, too…. What I mean to say is, Sirius, would you be the kid's godfather?"_

_Sirius blinked once, remaining quiet for a moment. James waited patiently, but the expectation was etched clearly enough on his face. After the long, and most certainly not regretted, years, it had come to the point where either boy could read the other's expression like a book, and words came to be an unneeded use._

_Letting out a breath that he was unaware he was holding, Sirius answered with a bleak smile that made James worry. "James, I would love to, but I don't think that…that I'm the right choice. You know how careless I can get…."_

_James let out a bitter laugh. "You think I don't know that all ready? You're my best friends in life, and probably in death as well. Why do you think that I asked you, Siri?"_

_Sirius groaned mellifluously. "How can I refuse you, James? You're the only family I have, you and Remus, and Lily now. Of course, James. You talked me into things once more, like at school."_

_James smiled, holding his hand out for a shake, but was even more content a moment later when Sirius pulled him into an embrace._

**I never knew what it was to be alone, no**

**But you were always there for me**

**You were always there waiting**

He moved away from the empty shelves, dropping the blankets inside of a dirty clothes bin instead. After that was done, he worked towards the diaper cart.

Wipes and bibs were scattered on the floor, packages of diapers left unopened, upturned and thrown on the ground, as though the area beneath had been savaged moments before they landed in their new spot. He picked them up, holding them for a moment before he put them away where they belonged.

As he shuffled through the trash on the ground, sorting the wipes from the cloths from the dirtied towels, lining them up on the shelves as he went, he bumped with the back of his hand a small wooden frame.

He pulled out uncertainly, having not known that it was there before. He wouldn't soon let himself forget that he had overlooked it so many times in the course of changing the young child's diaper.

Staring down intently at the image, he searched the recesses of his mind to find out when it took place. Finally, after moments of interrogating himself, he remembered when and where it was, and every detail that came along with it.

**But now I come home**

**And it's not the same, no**

**It feels empty and alone**

**I can't believe you're gone**

_"Moony, you lazy wolf, get up!"_

_Remus sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Come on, Padfoot," he groaned as he looked at the small alarm clock on the bedside stool next to him. "It's not even three in the bloody morning!"_

_The grin on Sirius's face spread. "I know, isn't it great?"_

_Remus tried to swat at Sirius, but the boy dodged easily, having been awake longer. "Now get up, you sleepy head, you!" With that, he pulled back the sheets swiftly, and threw them aside._

_"Five minutes," he warned as he left the dormitory. "That's all the longer you have until me and Prongs are out of here."_

_Not two minutes later, Remus came dashing out of the room, hastily tying his Gryffindor tie around his neck, hair still in complete disarray atop his head. "Oh, good," James said from a large chair near the fireplace. "You didn't take nearly as long as we had expected of you. Now let's go."_

_"Where are we heading off to, now?" Remus asked as they stepped out of the portrait hole, hidden beneath the invisibility cloak._

_"You'll see," James answered hastily._

_They walked down the corridor with practiced stealth, finally reaching a blank stretch of wall. James took off the cloak, pacing up and down the hall three times before a magically placed door appeared. Remus and Sirius exchanged brief glances before following him inside the room._

_It looked no different then it normally did when they came for late night talks: a bright fire blazed in a hearth on one side of the room; a shelf of books lined the opposite, much to the satisfaction of Remus; around the flames was a huddled cluster of over stuffed bean bags. Sirius and James went straight to their trademark seats, while Remus made his way over to the shelf to take off the book he had been reading on their last visit._

_"So is there a reason that we're here, James?" Sirius asked._

_James watched the fire crack and pop for a moment before replying. When he did speak, he said, "Not really. We're graduating next week. I just thought that it would be nice if we could be together for a little while before we go our separate ways."_

_Remus came and sat down with them. "Is that all you're worried about?" he asked as he opened his text._

_James didn't respond, and Sirius added, "We won't go 'our separate ways,' mate. We're in this together, like it's always been. Once a Marauder, always a Marauder."_

_James and Remus grinned at Sirius's truth in words._

_"That's right," Remus finished. "Always and forever. Marauders until the end of time."_

**And I know**

**You're a part of me**

**And it's your song**

**That sets me free**

**I sing it while**

**I feel I can't go on**

**I sing tonight**

**'Cause it comforts me**

It wasn't Lily, after all, who had stored the picture there, then. It was James.

He ran his hand along the rough wood, cherishing the parts of his life that meant something to him. As he reached the back of the frame, however, he stopped.

There was something there.

As though he were afraid of what he would find if he turned it over, he moved slowly. Would it be another image from his mind? A memento of his past that he longed to forget?

He closed his eyes tightly as he flipped it, trying to keep the memories from flowing freely.

But curiosity got the better of him.

**I'm glad it set you free from sorrow**

**I'll still love you more tomorrow**

**And you'll be here with me still**

**What you did you did with feeling**

**And you always found a meaning**

**And you always will**

**And you always will**

**And you always will**

He opened his eyes in a sudden burst of courage.

It was a letter.

Nothing more, nothing less.

He let his eyes scan the words quickly, making them out as English, but not knowing what they meant. He went through it again, recognizing it as James's untidy scrawl, and scanned it a third time, trying to make sense of the letters and words.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I know it's you that found this. No one else would have the courage to come and look, unless it's Lily, but I doubt it's her._

_By now, you know what has happened. I have died, in order to save Lily and Harry. But they're not alone in the world. They still have you left. And I know that you won't fail me in my last request._

_I want you to take care of them, Sirius. Don't let anything happen to them. Don't let me have died in vein._

_Don't blame yourself, Sirius; it's not your fault that He found us. It could have been anyone who made the same mistake. If you blame anyone for this, blame me. I could have done something else to prevent it. We should have gone into hiding sooner._

_You've always been like a brother to me. I think that Lily feels the same way now that she's come along from our school days. The last thing that we want for you is for you to blame yourself._

_Thank you for everything that you've done for me throughout the years, Sirius. I never got around to thanking you properly, and I know that I should have. I regret it now more then ever._

_Take care of Lily, Sirius, and Harry. But most importantly, take care of yourself._

_I'll be watching over you all from above._

_Yours in Marauding,_

_James_

_Mischief Managed, for a last time._

**And I know**

**You're a part of me**

**And it's your song**

**That sets me free**

Sirius, the once proud and semi-arrogant Marauder, made his way to the bed where the small teddy bear sat, and placed the picture frame on the pillow. His breath came in ragged, half gasps, and his vision was clouded by tears unbidden.

He tried to hold it in. He tried to remain strong. He tried, and he failed.

Soft hiccoughs escaped his lips as he sat there on the ground, back resting against the side of the bed. He reached his hand up behind him, feeling ineptly for the soft fur of the bear. Finally, his touch connected with it, and he drew it in towards him. He care that he looked childish, that he hadn't held an animal like that since he was six years old and scared to leave his room for fear of what may happed to him. Yet there he was, a fully grown, legal wizard, clutching the stuffed animal to him as though it were his only support in a storm.

"I can't James," he sobbed, "I can't. She's…she's gone too, and Harry, you're all gone. I'm alone again. You've left me here to be alone…."

He swallowed. "I'm sorry, James," he whispered, agony in his voice. "It's all my fault. This is one promise…one promise that I can't keep…."

Sirius stood precariously, and made his way to the door. He stood in the frame for a moment, looking at the half cleaned mess that waited for the Potters return. He blinked slowly, face red, tears no longer flowing freely, but jammed on their way out of his eyes to blur his vision further.

"I'm sorry, James," he murmured one last time, before closing the door gently.

**I sing it while**

**I feel I can't hold on**

**I sing tonight**

**'Cause it comforts me**


End file.
